For the past two weeks, I kept thinking I was forgetting something. I was constantly doing a check list in my head to make sure I had everything I needed for wherever I was headed. I just couldn’t figure it out… Then I realized what it was, but I will need to back up to explain.
Now, what I have experienced in the past two weeks, I probably should of experienced over the past month and half. You will have to forgive me for I am a slow learner, or maybe I needed to just go through the highs and lows to really understand the feelings.
I have been trying to practice what I preach by being religious about my food tweets and following the cups. In my last chapter I said accountability is the key. But I was tweeting more for others than myself and not being completely honest. These two weeks (now going on three), I set a short term goal: I will tweet absolutely everything no matter how far out of the cup it is. I also will use a small or medium cup for everything I eat.
It wasn’t right away that I felt any different than other days and thoughts like “UGH” or “this is hard” or “this is such as small amount” were coming into my head. But after a day or two, instead of feeling burdened by writing what I was eating, I felt a twinge of excitement. That excitement came from the notion that I was actually following my cup portions. I was stopping when I was done and not wishing for more and feeling deprived. I actually felt satisfied. Sure there were and are moments that I had to “ride the wave” and take some deep breaths or just walk away or say NO THANK YOU. Then something strange began to happen. I couldn’t put my finger on it but my thoughts were weird. That is when I realized what I was feeling like I was forgetting something. It wasn’t keys, paperwork or leaving the coffee pot in. It was the negative and guilty thoughts.
Julie checked on me one of the days to ask how my week was, and it was ironic that she reached out that day. I had gone running earlier in the day and was reflecting on this journey along with the other issues of life. It may sound strange because it was a strange feeling to me, but I could feel the joy, excitement whatever you want to call it, of the empty space in my stomach. I was not hungry, or full, more like the neutral zone. Then the next day, I felt the same feeling began to feel empowered. “Could I actually be getting the fill-your cup?” “Is it finally clicking?” “Is my body or more importantly my mind accepting the smaller portions?”
The strange feeling I had was control and positivity. In the first chapter, I wrote that I had control over my own story. I lost site of that during the initial challenges. This past week, I actually FELT the control of my story. I felt the Empty Space
I have felt almost three weeks of silence. Silence from many bad and self defeating thoughts. Are those thoughts completely wiped away like cob webs? Probably not, but damn it feels good to be in control and actually feel the neutral zone. So the next time, I face a difficult food choice or want more etc. I can remember how good THIS feels and stay focused.